Tricia Burke
Professor, Department of Communication Studies
Dear Valentines,
Swipe down to learn more about healthy romantic relationships.
I am a communication professor, so it should come as no surprise that my primary piece of advice is to practice healthy communication in your romantic relationships. Think about it this way: we all perform – or should perform – regular maintenance to our cars to keep them running. We have to do this in our relationships too.
Positive forms of relationship maintenance include communicating positive messages (being kind), openness (self-disclosure), assurances (expressions of commitment to the relationship), sharing tasks (doing chores together), and social networks (spending time with common friends)1. In addition to making a relationship maintenance plan, you can also work on affectionate communication in your relationship2. Affection (e.g., hugging, kissing) demonstrates care and is related to feelings of love in couples worldwide. Together, these forms of communication help couples build up their “reserves” and make them more resilient, or better able to cope with, stressful or challenging situations3.
Although conflict is inevitable in even the healthiest of relationships, it is important to avoid toxic communication behaviors that predict relationship strain and, ultimately, divorce4:
- Criticism: attacking partner’s character (“You never listen to me.”)
- Defensiveness: making excuses, avoiding responsibility (“It’s not my fault I was busy.”)
- Contempt: disgust, disrespect, ridicule (“Get over it. You’re pathetic.”)
- Stonewalling: withdrawal, shutting down, walking away, detachment
Similarly, when conflict arises, we should do our best to handle those conflicts collaboratively by working with our partner to find a solution rather than by avoiding, accommodating, or competing with our partner.
Despite our best efforts, we might still say something we shouldn’t have. When we do, it’s important to accept responsibility and repair the relationship using the positive communication behaviors mentioned above. Try to aim for the “magic ratio” for happy relationships, which is 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction5. It takes work, but in the end, your heart will thank you6.
1Canary, D. J., & Stafford, L. (1992). Relational maintenance strategies and equity in marriage. Communication Monographs, 59(3), 243-267. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637759209376268
2Floyd, K., Morman, M. T., Mare, J., & Holmes, E. (2021). How Americans communicate affection: Findings from a representative national sample. Communication Quarterly, 69(4), 383-409. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2021.1951794
3Afifi, T. D., Merrill, A. F., & Davis, S. (2016). The theory of resilience and relational load. Personal Relationships, 23(4), 663-683. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12159
4Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.
5Gottman, J. (1993). The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 6-15. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.61.1.6
6Robles, T. F. (2014). Marital quality and health: Implications for marriage in the 21st century. Curr Dir Psychol Sci, 23(6), 427-432. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721414549043