Why is change so difficult? This is one of the most frequently asked questions I get from clients seeking counseling. It’s a great question and I’m not sure I have the complete answer, but I always wonder why people think it should be easy? We spend our lives trying to create balance and consistency in our day-to-day life. We equate that consistency with safety. Even when things begin to wobble and shake, instead of trying something new, most people will do what they have always done, maybe more intensely, to try to restore that balance. Change is difficult because it often compels us to leave the safety that we have created and find a different way of thinking, feeling, or behaving. Even when we are in pain, the fear of the unknown may act as a powerful barrier to change and keep us stuck in unhealthy patterns.
Another main obstacle to change comes from the feelings of isolation that often arise from experiencing anxiety, depression, or other forms of potential stress. The “pull yourself up from your bootstraps” philosophy of attending to mental health issues can create feelings of incompetence, brokenness, and alienation when facing hard times. Feeling alone in your pain can create secondary issues that compound the initial distress. In a sense, we make things harder on ourselves when we believe that our struggles are unique and that others would think us strange or defective if they really knew what we were going through. The pathway to change requires a paradigm shift in our thinking. When we believe that no feeling or experience is unique unto ourselves, we can then open ourselves to be understood by others. This is the first step to authentic help seeking and change.
If we believe that others have the capacity to understand and validate our experiences, then we will be more willing to connect with others and not only break the oppressive feelings of stigma and loneliness, but also create connection that may alleviate some of our deeper levels of suffering. It should also be said that not everyone will have the capacity to form the type of caring connection with you, so choosing who you share with and open up to is an important consideration. While some people might not have the support structure of family or friends to provide this connection, professional counselors are an option for people that want to start this part of the change process.
Whether it is the fear of the unknown that change might bring or the concern that people will judge you harshly for your struggles, what is required of you is the courage to share the struggles in your life and consider modifying your way of life, even if it means experiencing a sense of unbalance that comes with every change. Your change is not dependent on what others think about you. Your ability to change is dependent on your willingness to overcome self-doubt and fear and risk being open to the possibilities of a different way of being. It is important to keep in mind that change does not have to be a giant shift in thinking, feeling, or behaving. In fact, large shifts are often not encouraged because the disruption in life balance would be too great for one person to tolerate and maintain. In reality, large changes that last mainly consist of a series of smaller changes that then lead to a greater shift in patterns in one’s life.
What I hope you gain from this short offering is that change can be challenging and most of those challenges are intrapersonal, that is, originating from within. This insight is not meant to be blaming, but empowering. If the challenge comes from within, then you have the control to modify the approach to your benefit. Seeing change as a process, that occurs one step at a time, can enable you to identify a new path, while making assessments of progress and a check to your overall balance and satisfaction. Forming healthy relationships where you can process these steps, along with setbacks and progress can be instrumental in creating a change process that is helpful for you. Counseling can be an excellent way to start this journey and there are several options in the area including two low-cost/no-cost counseling and wellness clinics run by the Professional Counseling graduate program at Texas State. There is a clinic in Round Rock and San Marcos and inquiries can be made here: https://www.txst.edu/clas/Professional-Counseling/counseling-services.html
Kevin A. Fall, Ph.D., is a Professor in the Professional Counseling Program and Chair of The Department of Counseling, Leadership, Adult Education & School Psychology.